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Quiescence
Deeds will be done; -- while he boasts his quiescence. --R. Browning.
Currently reading...
Posted on 2009.12.31 at 01:38
Re-reading the His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman -- Golden Compass now :)
Enable me to read more books!! Do check out my MUST Reads, or go directly to Amazon.com through this link (click on logo to continue on to page). I get points for every purchase made through me. Here's crossing my fingers! ;) Thanks!
Enable me to read more books!! Do check out my MUST Reads, or go directly to Amazon.com through this link (click on logo to continue on to page). I get points for every purchase made through me. Here's crossing my fingers! ;) Thanks!
Dedication.
Posted on 2008.02.20 at 12:37Last Saturday, Jaim and I attended the debut of a good friend. Of course, being there, my mind wandered to my mom-imposed debut (to which i fought against tooth-and-nail, being totally averse to gowns and ballrooms and frills, insisting that i was succumbing to this horrible self-glorification solely for my mom. then of course i had so much fun and cried buckets and realized why it made my mom really happy. thank you mama.) almost ten (!#%%^??? TEN????) years ago. I remembered the boys -- lanky, bespectacled, Ikey; life-of-the-party AKA court jester Robi; my blue GOWN (which, to this day my brother refers to as my fairy godmother costume HEMF); the cotillon; high school friends i have to lost touch with; high school friends who are still here with me (Anne; Bridge); the surprise video (to which i cried BUCKETS); my college best friend Nette (who plays beautiful piano... i miss you); and my life and dreams ten years ago.
Unfortunately, reminiscing is inevitably followed by self-evaluation and the eventual horror that comes with the thought, "What the hell have i done in the past TEN years???". The same thought that comes whenever you arrive at a life stumbling block for the NTH time, wondering when your time will come, how long you've waited, and how much longer you'll have to wait while watching others pass you by. During dinner tonight, Jaim and I discussed all the present challenges in our lives, and I found myself reassuring him (and myself) that everything will be okay. Another conversation with Kaye revealed to me that once again everything happens for a reason, and that there's something to be learned and improved with every *shitty* (pardon my french) situation. Feeling pretty humbled. :) I realized once again that everything of value in this world WILL drain you. That to decide to pursue a dream means emptying yourself of everything you've got, then find you've got more to give - only to be emptied again. Over and over again. Then you realize it's Love.
Sans the details of my self-realization that cannot be revealed here, i think this gave me an excuse to post something by my ever beloved Rilke on patience with life. I dedicate this to Jaime (and to whomever else might need it - feel free to change the noun):
In this there is no measuring with time, a year doesn't matter, and ten years are nothing. Being an artist means: not numbering and counting, but ripening like a tree, which doesn't force its sap, and stands confidently in the storms of spring, not afraid that afterward summer may not come. It does come. But it comes only to those who are patient, who are there as if eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly silent and vast. I learn it every day of my life, learn it with pain I am grateful for: patience is everything! 
Beautiful. If I could choose a Lover, i'd choose Words. Am in love with Words. :)
It took me so long...
Posted on 2007.12.10 at 03:41..to realize I was afraid.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Nelson Mandela
Philippine beauty.
Posted on 2007.11.08 at 05:54Finally, a short moment to breathe after two crazy work weeks. I go online to catch up on some news, and the first thing I read -- a 12-year old girl committing suicide due to poverty. After the initial shaking of head, it sank in. Suicide. SUICIDE. At TWELVE years of age. a CHILD despairing? I remembered all the twelve year olds I've encountered during my teaching stints, and suddenly all the trials I've been crying over the past months seem conquerable. I've had short glimpses of that kind of empty, lonely, despair, and thinking of a child carrying THAT, makes my heart break. I've been reading several posts and articles regarding the incident - angry, hopeful, sad, vindictive - and it reminded me of a post I made early early last year which I want to re-post again. I don't think we're hopeless; we're all just as lost as that little girl.
******
(2006.04.25)
Last week, a German client (and his wife) came to visit. A very good thing, as this may signal a positive future for our struggling company. It was a very short visit, purely business. However, being parents of 2 young boys, they brought a camera with them everywhere - taking pictures of Philippine city life, as we drove them to, fro, and around Makati. Curiously, i noticed that aside from taking photos of the usual (and unusual for them) jeepneys and tricycles, they constantly took photos of our city's poor. I thought, 'true, why not?' These pictures of our urban poor would be a very good way to show their children life and culture apart from a lush european living. Strangely, as i watched them snapping away, i felt proud, very proud. Proud of us. Proud of the same scenes I see everyday, take for granted, and often despair about. From then on, I found myself looking around, taking snapshots with my mind -- finding beauty in the most unlikely of places.
*snap* a woman washing her childrens' clothes along the sidewalk, oblivious to her obscurity, focused on her task.
*snap* two young children, happily bathing where everyone can see, suds aplenty on their eyes.
*snap* a father and child rushing to ride a jeepney; father, tensely hurried, while daughter clings onto his hand like a smiling rag doll along for the ride.
Admittedly, i despair about our country as much as everyone. I work part-time at my parents' manufacturing business, where I have seen and realized a lot within the little time I have spent here. Often, I cannot help but be frustrated about the quality of workers and people our country now produces. I am constantly saddened by the long lines of unemployed seeking jobs in our area everyday and by the fact that they can't all be given jobs. My sadness deepens when I realize that most of those accepted cannot handle hard work or refuse to persevere, and thus prefer the rigors of hunting for a cushy job that almost never exists. It is sad that a reverence for a corporate culture exists in a country where most cannot afford it - cannot afford the education essential to live it. I rage against the nearsightedness of corporate bigwigs who condemn small manufacturing businesses to a 'sunset industry', and do not realize the necessity for them, nor the good in them, nor their duty to support them. I look at job ads and see nothing but call center openings. Where are our farmers and laborers? Our sewers, our factory workers, our fishermen? We cannot build buildings upon buildings and believe that our country will naturally move onto that dream of full modernization. We cannot have the Wowowee incident happen and feel anger and sadness and yet try not to understand the diseased attitude of Filipinos involved in the tragedy . Why are we ashamed of poverty? Why do we avoid it? Why do we insist on living a foreign dream on Philippine soil, and insist that everyone else do the same? Perhaps you scoff and call me hypocrite. Maybe sometimes I am, but believe in the truth that there is beauty in a father working as a farmer to provide an education for his children of ten. There is beauty in a mother sewing more than a hundred shirts a day, finding not boredom in her job but accomplishment in a job well done. See the necessity in refusing to give money to a street child, to teach them that begging is not the answer, to teach their parents to work instead of their children. The good life cannot mainly consist of glamorous jobs in high-rise buildings. There is good life to be found on a farm, on a fishery, in a factory. I want to say so much more, yet really there is little that is necessary - only my point that there is no shame in poverty, in dirty work, or in hard labor, for in it lies the real opportunity for our people to work for their own betterment and for the education of their children. Hide not the mother who launders her child’s clothes in the sidewalk, but admire that she does so for love of her child. Better yet, provide her a good, realistic, job, help her to love work, disillusion her not of a dream life but of a good reality she can give her family.
*snap* a young woman (me) who sees the beauty of her reality, and realizes she can mold it to the stuff of her dreams.
(smiling)
*snap* a woman washing her childrens' clothes along the sidewalk, oblivious to her obscurity, focused on her task.
*snap* two young children, happily bathing where everyone can see, suds aplenty on their eyes.
*snap* a father and child rushing to ride a jeepney; father, tensely hurried, while daughter clings onto his hand like a smiling rag doll along for the ride.
Admittedly, i despair about our country as much as everyone. I work part-time at my parents' manufacturing business, where I have seen and realized a lot within the little time I have spent here. Often, I cannot help but be frustrated about the quality of workers and people our country now produces. I am constantly saddened by the long lines of unemployed seeking jobs in our area everyday and by the fact that they can't all be given jobs. My sadness deepens when I realize that most of those accepted cannot handle hard work or refuse to persevere, and thus prefer the rigors of hunting for a cushy job that almost never exists. It is sad that a reverence for a corporate culture exists in a country where most cannot afford it - cannot afford the education essential to live it. I rage against the nearsightedness of corporate bigwigs who condemn small manufacturing businesses to a 'sunset industry', and do not realize the necessity for them, nor the good in them, nor their duty to support them. I look at job ads and see nothing but call center openings. Where are our farmers and laborers? Our sewers, our factory workers, our fishermen? We cannot build buildings upon buildings and believe that our country will naturally move onto that dream of full modernization. We cannot have the Wowowee incident happen and feel anger and sadness and yet try not to understand the diseased attitude of Filipinos involved in the tragedy . Why are we ashamed of poverty? Why do we avoid it? Why do we insist on living a foreign dream on Philippine soil, and insist that everyone else do the same? Perhaps you scoff and call me hypocrite. Maybe sometimes I am, but believe in the truth that there is beauty in a father working as a farmer to provide an education for his children of ten. There is beauty in a mother sewing more than a hundred shirts a day, finding not boredom in her job but accomplishment in a job well done. See the necessity in refusing to give money to a street child, to teach them that begging is not the answer, to teach their parents to work instead of their children. The good life cannot mainly consist of glamorous jobs in high-rise buildings. There is good life to be found on a farm, on a fishery, in a factory. I want to say so much more, yet really there is little that is necessary - only my point that there is no shame in poverty, in dirty work, or in hard labor, for in it lies the real opportunity for our people to work for their own betterment and for the education of their children. Hide not the mother who launders her child’s clothes in the sidewalk, but admire that she does so for love of her child. Better yet, provide her a good, realistic, job, help her to love work, disillusion her not of a dream life but of a good reality she can give her family.
*snap* a young woman (me) who sees the beauty of her reality, and realizes she can mold it to the stuff of her dreams.
(smiling)
lest i forget...
Posted on 2007.11.06 at 05:07
Another way that you love your enemy is this:
When the opportunity presents itself for you to defeat your enemy,
that is the time which you must not do it.
There will come a time, in many instances,
when the person who hates you most,
the person who has misused you most,
the person who has gossiped about you most,
the person who has spread false rumors about you most,
There will come a time when
you will have an opportunity to defeat that person.
It might be in terms of a recommendation for a job;
it might be in terms of helping that person
to make some move in life.
That's the time you must do it.
That is the meaning of love.
In the final analysis,
love is not this sentimental something that we talk about.
It's not merely an emotional something.
Love is creative, understanding goodwill for all men.
It is the refusal to defeat any individual.
When you rise to the level of love, of its great beauty and power,
you seek only to defeat evil systems.
Individuals who happen to be caught up in that system, you love,
but you seek to defeat the system.
-- Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.
When the opportunity presents itself for you to defeat your enemy,
that is the time which you must not do it.
There will come a time, in many instances,
when the person who hates you most,
the person who has misused you most,
the person who has gossiped about you most,
the person who has spread false rumors about you most,
There will come a time when
you will have an opportunity to defeat that person.
It might be in terms of a recommendation for a job;
it might be in terms of helping that person
to make some move in life.
That's the time you must do it.
That is the meaning of love.
In the final analysis,
love is not this sentimental something that we talk about.
It's not merely an emotional something.
Love is creative, understanding goodwill for all men.
It is the refusal to defeat any individual.
When you rise to the level of love, of its great beauty and power,
you seek only to defeat evil systems.
Individuals who happen to be caught up in that system, you love,
but you seek to defeat the system.
-- Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Sometimes...
Posted on 2007.11.05 at 20:03
...i just get so angry at God. I love You, but dammit sometimes i just don't understand.
Parting.
Posted on 2007.05.12 at 05:25Current Mood: ouch
How I have felt that thing that's called 'to part',
and feel it still: a dark, invincible,
cruel something by which what was joined so well
is once more shown, held out, and torn apart.
In what defenceless gaze at that I've stood,
which, as it, calling to me, let me go,
stayed there, as though it were all womanhood,
yet small and white and nothing more than, oh,
waving, now already unrelated
to me, a sight, continuing wave,--scarce now
explainable: perhaps a plum-tree bough
some perchinig cuckoo's hastily vacated.
-Rilke
and feel it still: a dark, invincible,
cruel something by which what was joined so well
is once more shown, held out, and torn apart.
In what defenceless gaze at that I've stood,
which, as it, calling to me, let me go,
stayed there, as though it were all womanhood,
yet small and white and nothing more than, oh,
waving, now already unrelated
to me, a sight, continuing wave,--scarce now
explainable: perhaps a plum-tree bough
some perchinig cuckoo's hastily vacated.
-Rilke
tidbits.
Posted on 2007.05.11 at 04:31
after a bajillion invites, i finally decided to get off my internet lazy butt and actually use my multiply! thus, ta-dah! add please: http://wamela.multiply.com -- there's nothing in there yet (hehe!) but i'll try and post stuff soon!
***
i played '10-20 garter' yesterday with some of my (ages 9-12) students. after 14 (FOURTEEN!!!) years and at my age, i found myself making a mistake only ONCE and finishing all levels in less than thirty minutes (to the loud chorus of 'go teacher pam! wow teacher pam! this way, teacher pam! ching chang china one! ching chang china two! now, tinikling!') had a BLAST! am glad i still have SOME amount of agility hehe. now, if only i could apply this 'agility' to dancing and dance auditions! harrumph!
***
went to into the woods callbacks last week. as soon i got there (unfortunately, late pa!) and saw everyone else called back, i knew i didn't stand a chance! of course i felt sad at the beginning, but at hindsight i am very happy i got called back at all. teacher sweet was there whom i was so happy to see! (Make 'em Laugh!! Something Funny's Going On!! Ikey! John! Robi! Mer! Louie! Jenny! Teacher Pinky!) Oh and neomi! My petite and really cute 28-year-old friend who played my daughter (?!?!?!?!) in Once on this Island dagupan years ago! Who is now married! As soon as we recognized each other, daldalan na! Sigh, seeing her made me miss Lou and Nap and Justin and everyone. Alvinnnn!!!!! :( Any chance of a reunion soon? sigh sigh
***
watched Rep's Showstoppers the other night!!! Woohoo!!!!!! Galeng! Clap clap clap Jaim!!!!!! Hurrah! I think they still have 2 more shows on the 15th and the 22nd, 7:45 p.m. at the MASAS area of Greenbelt 3. Do try to catch it! I LOVED the OPM medley!
***
here i am again, asking for a bajillion prayers. have some things coming up soon. life's turned topsy turvy again and i find myself struggling to keep my head above water. i'm frightened but trying to be brave. o please pray for me!
***
whew! that's it for the updates so far.
BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAE!!!! hugggg.
***
i played '10-20 garter' yesterday with some of my (ages 9-12) students. after 14 (FOURTEEN!!!) years and at my age, i found myself making a mistake only ONCE and finishing all levels in less than thirty minutes (to the loud chorus of 'go teacher pam! wow teacher pam! this way, teacher pam! ching chang china one! ching chang china two! now, tinikling!') had a BLAST! am glad i still have SOME amount of agility hehe. now, if only i could apply this 'agility' to dancing and dance auditions! harrumph!
***
went to into the woods callbacks last week. as soon i got there (unfortunately, late pa!) and saw everyone else called back, i knew i didn't stand a chance! of course i felt sad at the beginning, but at hindsight i am very happy i got called back at all. teacher sweet was there whom i was so happy to see! (Make 'em Laugh!! Something Funny's Going On!! Ikey! John! Robi! Mer! Louie! Jenny! Teacher Pinky!) Oh and neomi! My petite and really cute 28-year-old friend who played my daughter (?!?!?!?!) in Once on this Island dagupan years ago! Who is now married! As soon as we recognized each other, daldalan na! Sigh, seeing her made me miss Lou and Nap and Justin and everyone. Alvinnnn!!!!! :( Any chance of a reunion soon? sigh sigh
***
watched Rep's Showstoppers the other night!!! Woohoo!!!!!! Galeng! Clap clap clap Jaim!!!!!! Hurrah! I think they still have 2 more shows on the 15th and the 22nd, 7:45 p.m. at the MASAS area of Greenbelt 3. Do try to catch it! I LOVED the OPM medley!
***
here i am again, asking for a bajillion prayers. have some things coming up soon. life's turned topsy turvy again and i find myself struggling to keep my head above water. i'm frightened but trying to be brave. o please pray for me!
***
whew! that's it for the updates so far.
BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAE!!!! hugggg.
click click!
Posted on 2007.04.29 at 03:03
Got this from Pat's site, Julia Campbell's blog. http://juliainthephilippines.blogspot.c
'It gets harder and harder sometimes to express in words the things I experience here. Kind of silly for a writer, eh? But life becomes somewhat normal once you live in a place for a while. Even if you are living in a hut. Without running water. And your evenings are spent hauling your water by da bucket, gutting your fish and picking the bok-bok bugs out of your bed!
But I will attempt to update and share a bit of the not so mundane. I feel like a proud momma today.'
There is no human being alive who does not experience pain. I don't believe in the admonition that we should disregard our problems (or take them lightly) because somewhere else in the world, someone else is bound to have it worse. Our problems, our obstacles, our weaknesses, our mistakes, our deficiencies are OURS. It is our responsibility to aggressively and ferociously take them on. and survive. and win. or die fighting. I pray that I do not forget that I fight and struggle to win, ultimately, not for myself. Wandering souls struggle to root themselves ultimately to provide anchors for others. Persons who struggle to be stars will ultimately be called to shed light. A few are called to dedicate their life fully for other people; The rest of us (all of us) are called to survive our lives because, whether we like it or not, we're bound to have (and save) stowaways in our lifeboats. I don't know why I'm rambling on like this. I'm just glad that, once in a while, I stumble on things that remind me of this. :)
Plus, here's a site I got from Fara (http://www.sushidog.com/bpss/stories/s
click click!
oh oh and i just want to say that i love teaching. maybe i'll try to post videos of some classes i assist in here. i fall in love with these children every time... :)
'It gets harder and harder sometimes to express in words the things I experience here. Kind of silly for a writer, eh? But life becomes somewhat normal once you live in a place for a while. Even if you are living in a hut. Without running water. And your evenings are spent hauling your water by da bucket, gutting your fish and picking the bok-bok bugs out of your bed!
But I will attempt to update and share a bit of the not so mundane. I feel like a proud momma today.'
There is no human being alive who does not experience pain. I don't believe in the admonition that we should disregard our problems (or take them lightly) because somewhere else in the world, someone else is bound to have it worse. Our problems, our obstacles, our weaknesses, our mistakes, our deficiencies are OURS. It is our responsibility to aggressively and ferociously take them on. and survive. and win. or die fighting. I pray that I do not forget that I fight and struggle to win, ultimately, not for myself. Wandering souls struggle to root themselves ultimately to provide anchors for others. Persons who struggle to be stars will ultimately be called to shed light. A few are called to dedicate their life fully for other people; The rest of us (all of us) are called to survive our lives because, whether we like it or not, we're bound to have (and save) stowaways in our lifeboats. I don't know why I'm rambling on like this. I'm just glad that, once in a while, I stumble on things that remind me of this. :)
Plus, here's a site I got from Fara (http://www.sushidog.com/bpss/stories/s
click click!
oh oh and i just want to say that i love teaching. maybe i'll try to post videos of some classes i assist in here. i fall in love with these children every time... :)